Hardest Year of My Life

7/12/11

It’s amazing how sickness, life stresses, and worries disappeared while in the academy. It was the hardest I had ever physically worked my body and yet, I got the best sleep, ate the best food, and not once got sick. I didn’t have to worry about what my future would hold; I didn’t have to think about life outside of the academy. It was a wonderful place. It had community, I had my God and I felt complete.

Today is July 12, 2011. The first day of the fire academy was July 12, 2010. I wish I could explain in all completeness how I feel today. It’s an overwhelming mix of confusing emotions. This past year has been quite difficult. Even to this day, there are times of the day that I will get caught up when I see a fire engine, hear a siren, see an accident, hear news of the current fire academy, or have conversations about it.

Everyone heals differently, and it happens to be that the in completion of my academy seems to be taking longer. It has been a grieving process. The month of September, I fell very much into the world.

1 Year Ago

8/31/11

That title just about sums it up. Let me warn you, this is not a happy blog post, it is definitely not an optimistic view of this last year. I even feel sick to my stomach and starting a headache as I write this, I’m disgusted. I’m sorry if I may offend anyone, but this is where my bitter heart is at right now.

Click HERE for the link to the post about my last week in the Academy.

All I have been getting this last week is flashback after flashback of what I was doing at this time last year. How I was limping for 3 weeks straight because of an injured left knee, but yet still pushing through it. I remember on Monday running 2 miles because the first time I ran it, it wasn’t fast enough. I limped the entire two miles and then still missed the time by a minute, resulting in a penalty. I think the original reason I injured my left knee was because my right knee, which gave me pain before the academy, was hurting and I believe I overcompensated, causing extra stress to my left knee.

During the academy.

Braces on both knees and both wrists. Bruises all over my body. I had a family of daily supportive brothers, I had instructors to help me and guide me, I had God by my side, I had a hopeful future, I had strength, I had confidence, I had motivation and all the dedication needed to become the best firefighter ever.

The last day of the academy tore my heart to pieces, even in ways I would never know until months later. To this day, I still put myself down for not completing it.

I lost the support of my brothers and the help and guide of my instructors. I don’t feel like I have gotten myself just about anywhere in the last year. Sirens still haunt me. The repercussions of the academy still come up to this day.

Some changes from this last year are:

My hair has grown back.

1 Year Ago

Now

I sold my truck to get rid of payments and bought in full my sister PT Cruiser Convertible.

1 Year Ago

Now

I lost about 15 pounds of muscle and actually gained more requiring a size bigger in clothes.

1 Year Ago

Now

When it comes to work, I have gone completely backwards. In the last year straight, I have worked ranging from 3-5 jobs at one time. Nordstrom E-bar, Nordstrom Rack, Compass Books and Cafe, Substitute Teaching for 2 campus’, Receptionist, Babysitting, and other odd-jobs just to keep myself from going bankrupt. I still get paid barely enough to get by, let alone to pay for school.

Now school is a different topic, I have been taking classes at Rio Hondo to keep myself even MORE busy for the Spring, Summer, and Fall Semesters. I took 4 classes in the spring and only passed 3 of them. In the summer, I retook the class I failed and only passed half of it. Now, in my fall semester, I am trying to finish the other half of that same class that I should have passed way back in the spring semester, along with 3 other classes. I don’t like my school because the people are disrespectful and the teachers are horrible, but its all I can afford. I feel like I am kinda waisting away my time by going to school and especially with the spiraling of my grades.

I made a lot of very bad decisions this last year and ended up having to reap the consequences for them for many months after.

As for my injured knees. I took a month off and then went right back to the gym and was training 5 days a week. I was training hard and kept pushing myself, partly because I didn’t want to go completely down hill, but I also think because I was angry about not completing the academy.

After only a month, I woke up one morning with EXCRUCIATING pain in my left knee (the one injured during the fire academy). I was in tears and couldn’t put any weight on it for 3 hours. I knew that I needed to see a doctor, so I went to a chiropractor. After taking x-rays and doing a visual inspection, “Nothing was wrong.” He recommended that it was my back and that I should get a certain amount of adjustments a week….I said BOGUS! He suggested an MRI.

The MRI of my left knee was taken on 11/11/10. The written report said: “Proximal patellar tendinitis and small amount of knee joint effusion are seen.”

When Christmas time came I remember thinking, “I don’t even care anymore.” I ate so much junk food. This was the start of a lot of negative eating habits.

The only working out I did from January to April was a Yoga class at 24 Hour Fitness. In April, I quit. I was eating bad food, sometimes not eating at all in the day except for a few cookies or candy bars. I drank soda, and very sugary drinks. These are all things I usually would never have eaten. I was depressed. I was angy and bitter, and downright sick of even trying for fear of a pointless goal.

Not working out and not eating right set my whole body into an out of control phase. I won’t give you the details but things were thrown off and certain problems had to be paid special attention to.

Now let me admit, plenty of times the idea of suicide came to my mind….but as interesting as it is, I thought right away, “NO, I will not give up.” It was never an option to me and I am thankful for that at least.

To this day, the academy is still a sore subject to me. I am not fond of talking about it or bringing the memories back. I find that when I do talk about it, I end up angry and depressed with my life.

Today, the exact day which was my last day in the fire academy, I still cry about my loss.

This last year has sent me onto the tallest and shortest rolling roller coaster ever. Some days, I’m overflowing with joy and other days I am sick of trying and I give up trying ANYTHING. I find myself in fear of many things, ESPECIALLY, if they will leave me disappointed or empty handed. I often feel very alone and oversensitive.

This last year I have cried thousands of tears which all lead back to the academy. It left me feeling an empty, unfamiliar, alone, incapable, weak, unfulfilled, insecure, quitting, unmotivated, dissatisfying, and angry failure. Continual pain each day in my knees brought me even more frustration. Having a desire to do something, but not having the strength or the body to do it, destroyed my hopes.

Talk of firefighters, never skips my ears. I hear it everywhere and can’t help but listen in. I still wave to them when they pass by and still feel connected to them even though I am not at all.

Quite often I feel hopeless. I feel like my future is hopeless. A  future home, a future family, future children, future vacations, future security is all hopeless. I don’t even have a desire to hope for something in fear of being let down or reaching for something I can’t reach. I have seen that no matter what or how much people encourage me, its still not enough. I feel a constant desire for encouragement and affirmation. I do appreciate the words that people do give me. So, thank you.

In the month of August, I went to a different recommended Chiropractor/Muscle Therapist. After looking at the MRI, X-Rays, and doing his examination, he came to this conclusion:

NO structural need for correction (surgery).

He said that he feels tendons are tight and the knees have suffered damage from having too much weight put on them. When put to the test of the fire academy my knees tried to compensate by initiating some calcification on my knee. He felt that he could help me relieve the pain by stretching out the muscles/tendons that attach to the knee.

I was able to see a difference in the pain that I felt in both knees after his recommended three appointments. I hope that this is a continual positive progression, I can’t take anymore downhill slopes anytime soon.

He then recommended me to a physical trainer, who would be able to train me to get other muscles in my body strengthened so that i could do more active things without relying on my knee strength. I have made my first appointment with this trainer for next week and I will have to see if it will be a good fit.

That’s the only hope I have right now to hold onto. The hope that I may be able to get back on my feet again, running, biking, snowboarding, hiking, etc. WITHOUT pain.

In as much as it is to say, I haven’t lost my faith, but I do feel that I have had that boat rocked and battered at all year and even now to this day, I struggle with it.

I don’t know what or how anyone can get anything out of this. I guess I just wanted to allow people to see where my heart is at and see that this struggling heart desires for hope and this burden to be lifted from my shoulders. If anyone is going through anything like this, I am so sorry.

Now

For now, my name is just Jessica Taylor. That is all I know. All I hope is that I HAVE a future….

Worthwhile Time

10/25/10

God is gracious.

In the month of September, from the day after I was out of the academy on the 2nd to the day I arrived in Steamboat Springs to see my sister and her family on the 23rd, I went through a lot, mentally, spiritually, physically, and EXTREMELY emotionally. Through all of this time, I began knitting a baby blanket for my only little nephew, Finn. I made the pattern myself. It is my first blanket. I chose very subtle, natural, earthy colors to match the beautiful nature that surrounds their home. It has a lot of sentimental meaning to me because of all the processing I had to go through in that month. The hours went by so slow as I watched the clock and went through each hour in my mind of what I would be doing if I was at the academy. The pain of sitting and making my body recuperate. The continual thoughts of how I was at home…..and all my brothers were at the academy. Every stitch was time passed. The minutes became hours, hours became days, days became weeks. On September 24th the first morning in Steamboat Springs that trip, I gave this very special blanket to my sister for Baby Finn. He loves it! He is such a beautiful sleeping baby!

Time has slipped by quicker this month then last month.

This has been a blessing! I’ve been trying to keep myself occupied with constructive activities.

Started of my fresh month with a beautiful trip to Malibu. My sister was speaking to a MOPS group out there. It was so great to see her, Finn, and Dale. We all went to a delicious restaurant for lunch before they headed to the airport. I had a delicious half cooked tuna sandwich. YUMMM. I was so thankful for the few hours I did get to spend with them.

Another trip to see the boys at the academy was helpful. It is still tough to hear about the things that they are doing. (Live fires, auto extrication, RIC, etc.)

Cadet said, “Your gonna be so lucky cause you won’t have to do ladders in the heat.”

I said, “Um….I don’t know if you remember, but I was right there with you the entire time you were doing ladders. I know EXACTLY what you had to go through.”

Its as if they forgot I was there for half of the academy in a way.

This Saturday is graduation day. October 30. The day that I hoped to be my own graduation. It will be so hard to go and to see my brothers leave without me…never to be with the whole group all together again. But I will practice to be happy for them. THEY did it….and hopefully someday I can too!

I made a dog bed for Foxy to take up some time. I took an old pillow sewed, hand stitched, buttoned, and ruffled it together in 3 days. Such a cute bed for the cost of $2.50. What a steal. I enjoyed going to the fabric store and picking out the fabric and the process of having a project that I intended to complete. After the bed was complete I picked out some pink and white yarn and knit her a blanket.

This little dog is so silly. I often think she is half cat, not only because of her size but because of her obsession with yarn. She loves to sneak into my extra yarn corner of my room, pull it out and unravel the whole skein all over my floor. I have spent plenty of hours trying to re-ball my skeins. I have learned to really hide it so that she cannot get to it now. But on some occasions I will accidentally leave a knitting project out and I will leave the room. As I am around the house, I can hear if she is still in her bed or up and about in my room because her little collar has a certain jingle to it. If I hear this little jingle I will say on the other side of the house, “Excuse me young lady, I hope your not doing what I think your doing.” Then I hear some more jingling. As I quietly walk to my room and peek my head in, there she is having a yarn fest. I can’t help but smile when I see her having so much fun and letting her “cat” side come out. But the reality is, she isn’t suppose to be playing with it. All I have to do to get her to stop is *clear my throat*. Then as soon as she sees me…..the face of guilt is on her face, she lays down and stoops her head to the floor. AWWWWWW. Then in a simple quiet stern voice, “No. You are not suppose to play with that.” Then she apologizes with her eyes and we both move on. She returning to her bed and I returning the yarn to its rightful hidden yarn corner.

If there is anything I try to spoil, it is Foxy. This October marks a year of me having her AND her 2nd birthday! WHOOPEE! She loves her new bed and blanket for her gift. All her toys are pink too. hehe.

I wonder what dogs dream of. Foxy sleeps in her small bed and dreams quite a lot. She makes little dreaming *ruffs* including a little body movement, muffled howls, moving paws, and perked ears. “TOOTIE….what are you dreaming about?”

I have been cooking more with my free time too. I have really learned from my sister the joy of not only having the food TASTE amazing but also LOOK amazing. I was making a fruit salad for dinner and decided that I wanted to make it unique to the eye so I spent extra time on it. I made layers of strawberries, bananas, pomegranates, apples, and honeydew with yogurt in between each. I truly enjoyed making the fruit salad into art. The colors and the layers really made the salad so much more appealing. The simple lesson I learned from making it was that I made the salad beautiful for MYSELF and not to please any other….and it was an even more satisfying feeling then if I had made it for someone else expecting a value from my work. I knew that no matter if I got recognition or not, I LOVED it, was happy with it, and valued by God for making beauty from what He has given me!

Whittier College football games have been a very fun Saturday pass time. As much as I love football, how great is it to watch it in person. I have a family friend who is on the team. So far been to 2 games with my mother and plan to go to at least 1 more with the last 2 of their games in the next 2 weeks. Just from the simple games I have been to, I see the commitment it takes to be on the team. And its a TEAM…if there is ONE great player and the rest are slacking, there is no win. It takes the whole team, the whole family to work together to get a win. It makes each and every person on that team important because without that individual there is a hole….a lack. A complete team that works together and that is on the same page makes all the difference between a win and lose. I can relate with the academy, being on the same page with all the cadets makes all the difference between living and dying. I remember the importance of being sure my training is true and complete so that my “TEAM” can have a perfect “WIN.” God is taking me on this road for a reason….and I need to keep trusting in Him for the strength to keep going on His road even though I do not know the way.

I have done something this month that I have NEVER done before in my life… I, by myself, cleared out all the OLD OLD insulation in the attic of a man that died, who literally NEVER cleaned his house, and smoked for the majority of his life. In order to breathe and still be alive to this day, I needed to look like an alien, hence the goggles, mask, and light. The attic is full of rafters, which was very realistic for firefighting training. It was a core, neck, and back workout. It was an adventure to get into the corners where it was super tight and only crawl on rafters. I would tell myself “Don’t put weight on ANYTHING but the rafters…or you’ll slip through the ceiling and die.”

Day 1 consisted of clearing out half of the insulation with no goggles and no light. Not so great when you can’t see much, thankfully there was a small light up there. All I could see was cleared out for Day 1. These are before and after pictures of day 1.

Day 2 consisted of cleaning out a lot of the missed corners that I couldn’t see before due to light. In this picture I am that bright single light in the far back of the picture.

Here are pictures of before and after of Day 2.

Its truly amazing how filthy I was at the end of each day. All the insulation on my skin was so itchy. This shirt was white and pants normal jean color before. I would have millions of dust particles attached to each hair on my head. But…….I learned a lot about how a roofer, insulation man, and air guys can get away with murder…because how many owners actually are going to climb up into the attic to really check that the job was done right. Sad that their jobs were so sloppy and I had to pick up after each. Make sure a job is done well even if no one sees the job you did. Lessons learned everyday. A total of 35 large bags of insulation were filled into dumpsters, trashcans, and the garage.

I’ve been going hard and strong on my workout and diet plan. It has been hard to find someone to go with that is committed as much as I am and that is willing to spot me. Most of the time I am frustrated because people are getting in my way or being obnoxious and staring. All I want to do is workout. I go to the gym to workout, not to have a chit chat. I thank God for the slight muscles that are working fully and completely strong.

Since the very first day of ladders in the academy, my left knee has been giving me trouble. It never gave me issues before the academy. I took a month off and rested it after I got out. Then felt ready to start up with the weights again. First week was great. Second week it just so slightly hurt 2 times throughout the day….then came Friday morning. Felt fine, just a little sore from the weeks working out. I was walking fine downstairs, then I went back to my room and it just SHOT a sharp pain right through my knee bringing me to tears. I sat there, in frustration and tears waiting for it to go away like it did in the academy. But this one time it was the worst of all. I sat in the same chair for 3 hours straight not moving before it even gave me a chance to move it again. I took Ibuprofen and iced it. It helped a lot, but ever since then…its been pretty sore and not feeling good at all. Talk about God saying, “WAIT.” I feel like I have been waiting…I have been patient. PLEASE let me get my strength back up these next 2 months. PLEASE GOD! I want to be back in the academy in January…today is day 3 of the soreness and the occasional pain reminding me, “Please don’t put your body weight on me right now.”

God I look to you in the next month for strength to put my stubbornness aside and to truly get help.  Guide me to find a good and wise doctor. Continue to break me and show me the ways that I fall short. You are my guide. I will follow.

The journey continues.

Busy Month After

9/22

The day after I said goodbye…I took a much needed trip to the beach with Foxy. I got her a new lil sun dress for the day. She loved it!

Its in interesting process trying to take this each day at a time.

The last 3 weeks have been an interesting process. I still have my drive, still have my motivation, still have my passion. I want this journey.

Every night now, Foxy sleeps cuddled up on my couch among a purple knit blanket and a large stuffed animal duck. She sleeps so quietly and still. She snuggles underneath the duck as if it were her mother. How I wish I could get that same kinda of sleep. The act of resting my whole body and mind for at least 8 hours a night……is lacking. I don’t like to stay up late every night. Watching the minutes….and then hours go by. Soon enough sleep comes…much later then I would like, but I am thankful for what I do get. Waking up at 4am has also been a reoccurring event. No alarm, just my thoughts racing and uncomfortable awakening.

My days are long….and yet short at the same time, as they linger on and on and on, my head heats with racing brain waves. Some thoughts and questions of doubt and many reassuring reminders of how I can be strong. I still have a hard time speaking about what has happened to people. I can at least admit now, “I am no longer in the academy.” But when the questions come of “Why not?” I have to direct them to my blog. I don’t like to talk about “my failure.” I know I am not A failure….but right now….I know that I failed out of the academy because of one of the ladder tests and yet….I still feel that extra weight on my back of knowing that if I go back I will have to go through it all again.

10/4

It has just barely been over a month since I said goodbye to all my brothers back at the academy. This month has been such a hard one in the sense of just getting through each day. I feel like I am ashamed of the last month and how its been so dragged out and long. Its been so hard trying to get through each day, trying to keep my head up and keep going. I have only worked out a total of 3 times this whole last month…at the gym. I have been eating super fatty food and truly not been treating myself like the valuable person that I am.

“So what do you do?” “So do you work? Are you in school?”

Those questions I cringe to every time I hear them now. I have just found it easier to say now…” I don’t want to talk about that…” and yet they still need to ask more questions. Then I dwell in thoughts of…I’m not in school, I’m not working. I am not doing anything with my life right now. I’m not working out. I’m not being constructive with my time. I’m in a true depression because of the loss that I feel.

Still each day I think of the academy and what the guys are doing. Still each day I get at least one person asking me how the academy is going..and yet I still can’t answer them. I truly miss being at the academy so much and still tears go down my face when I think of it.

One aspect that I truly missed at the academy was the amount of respect that I felt from the guys. These guys knew no doubt about it that I was not a stereotypical female. I miss the mutual respect for each other….I long for the respect again!

This month has had quite the lack of being a busy one, but I hope and desire for October to be a new and fresh start for me. Not only changing how I use my time, but also what I am doing with my life.

I could use a lot of prayer as the days continue. Prayer for strength, desire to do good, and the friends to help me stay strong through it all.

Goodbye My Brothers

(2 tips before reading: this is extremely long. Also please keep in mind I am still sensitive and in the throes of processing this topic)

My stomach tightens as I begin to write this…

*Starbucks on Thursday*

“What is your name?”

…….”Tay…..oh….Jessica.”

“Decided to change your name?”

….”No, I’m just used to being called my last name.”

Monday:

PT in the morning was awesome. We did 3 stations, each for 20 minutes. Started with dips and pull ups. Then 10 military presses with a hose bundle, 15 push-ups on it, and 15 squats holding it. Last was 18 spots in the weight room. Special thing about it was that they had music on for us as we went through each spot. Its amazing how much harder I work out when I have music. I got such a good workout in! After that was a very full day of practicing ladders. By the end of the day I still could not get the 35 up and I was having a lot of trouble with the extra weight of the SCBA (breathing apparatus on my back) as I put up the 24. It just was not sticking. It was still so frustrating, but my flashcards helped me to keep going. Now that I think about it, I have no idea how I completed the day because it was my last day to practice before the test. I could have felt completely overwhelmed…but God really gave me the strength through the whole day.

Tues:

“Will this be my last full day…whether it is or isn’t….I will cherish every minute!”

As the day started, from the instant I woke up to the point where I turned off the light to sleep…I realized how much I loved doing this!

Its the little things that I made sure to notice…that I knew I would miss….if…

- That neighbor who left his house around the same time I was leaving.

- That lady who would always have her flashers on as she loaded her car.

- The still quiet darkness, as we would get out of our cars, and get ready for the day.

-Laying out my turnout gear in our commanded order. In front of the whole class, alongside my BC.

- As we marched, I took a look over my shoulder to see how everyone looked. (I marched at the very front with the B.C. and the other guide on) It was crisp. It was clean. It was straight. My class looked so sharp! Such a big difference from the first week.

- At the beginning of the class, whenever we went inside to sit down, it was a sloppy sound as the chairs were pulled out and pushed back in. Now it was a sound of unison. A complete sound of one as we all would stand at attention, sit down, and get back up.

-As we would round the corner, the sun would be peeking right over the trees on the horizon.

- Morning march/salutes, the only other guide on (other then me) would stupidly stomp his feet and make me laugh every morning. This cadet would always make us all laugh with his silly ways, voices and impersonations.

- Captain Scott told us, “Your halfway through.”

- I no longer saw these guys as my friends, but as my family!

We worked on ropes and knots all day. I really began to feel a fire inside as we started something other then ladders. Something that I got and picked up quickly. Something that I knew I can shine in. We began to talk about what future things would be going on with rescue and tying off equipment.

This picture is of Platoon A and I as we practiced in class. It really sparked my fire again and I enjoyed all the time we practiced. I was so sore from the workout the day before. I could not imagine what Platoon B felt like as they took the Ladder tests all day.

At the end of everyday before we are dismissed, Captain Scott will come out and say “Everybody feeling good?”

And we all respond in one loud strong voice, “SIR, YES, SIR!”

“And who’s the best?”

“WE’RE THE BEST, BETTER THEN THE REST, B-E-S-T, B-E-S-T, CLASS 75 IS THE BEST, SIR!”

We all felt this was the cheesiest and very….mmm….not put together well when we first started to yell it. But, now, it became a part of us and we would say it loud and proud.

I teared up as I yelled it this time…I did not know what the next day would hold…Wednesday was the BIG DAY. Ladder test day.

I went to the store with my mother to buy 3 boxes of vanilla meringue cookies for the guys and cadre as a celebration for those who passed the next day. No matter what, I knew that I wanted to be thankful to the cadre for their help and give those who passed something to celebrate with.

Wednesday (THE LADDER TEST DAY):

My situation was not of the best. God really has a plan…and I still may not see it to this day, but there is a reason for it. I counted my warning papers, I had 8 which equated 4 Substandards. I also had another substandard for not completing the mile and half. 5 Substandards means no more academy…yet I was still there. There were 4 ladder tests. If any of them were failed, the cadet would be given a substandard and another chance to retake. From there they would have to pass or be kicked out of the academy. Lastly, with the 2 person 35′ ladder, if the partner messed up and ended up failing, both cadets would receive a substandard.

I felt empowered. I felt strong. It did not matter, no matter what the outcome, I would stay strong and trust in Him.

Everyone….family, friends, and cadets wished me luck. I knew they were all behind me and believed in me! Engine 1 was ready for the day!

The test consisted of 4 different tests. First for me was the 2 person 35′ ladders. We had to take 2 of these ladders, put them both up, and then take them both down within 13 minutes. One ladder had to go up on a beam raise, the other had to go up as a flat raise. Each raise consists of a person on one end to hold it down as the other person raises it. And for each we would have to switch positions. I had only done the beam raise 3 times and never been able to get it up on my own. Most think it is the hardest of the two. I had practiced the flat raise and planned to raise it for the test. This was also very difficult for me and again I had never been able to raise it COMPLETELY on my own, but I felt much more comfortable with the flat raise. My partner and I were the first of my platoon up for this test. Funny thing is, in the morning, I had practiced with 3 guys the whole routine. My partner for my test was one of these guys. We had decided that I would raise for the flat, and he would raise for the beam.

Right before I went to the testing area. The cadets made sure to give me a good pat on the back and wish me luck. My new BC told me, “I said a prayer for you last night.”

We got our instructions from our cadre. He pointed to my partner and said, “Your going to raise on the flat, and Taylor, your going to raise on the beam.” My brain totally farted….thoughts raised….(“Beam raise?…no way…Beam raise? wait…I’ve never been able to do it before? ahhhhhhhh….ok. ok. ok. Taylor, calm down. You have the greatest coach ever. Get your head straight, trust, and perform….YOU CAN DO IT!”)

Beam raise was first… We picked it up, went around to the other side of the building. (“TRUST.”) My partner yelled, “Spot, Ladder.” Up it went on my shoulder. Down the tip went and he yelled, “Raise, Ladder.” Popped the ladder straight above me. All my training kept going through my head, (“Keep your arms straight. Use your legs. Explode. Keep your body in line.”) The weight was so light. He gave me the strength and I was able to get it up and take it back down AND COMPLETE the entire test within the right amount of time.

I was so overwhelmed with joy at the end when the cadre told me that I had passed. He asked me, “How do you think you did?”

I responded, “I think that is the best I’ve ever done!”

“I completely agree with that. That was SO AMAZING! Congratulations!”

It was such a fulfilling feeling. I had completed the 35′ first try! We were not allowed to talk about our results. As I rounded the corner where all my cadets were, I communicated the result with a BIG smile! They all knew I had done it! We celebrated in silence. I went to the bathroom and sat……(“Thank you!”)

Time to concentrate on the next test. This one was to remove the 24′ ladder from the side of the engine, put it up 2 times and then place it back on, without hitting any part of the engine. This one I had yet to complete, also. Waiting….for my turn. Prayers were lifted up over and over again.

My turn was up. Prayed. Received instructions and completed the whole revolution with no mess up. THATS A PASS!!! I then listed off all the parts of the ladder in perfect order.

I was gleaming. It was lunch time and I was a ball full of joy! Two more tests and the day would be complete. We joined platoon B and they could also see that I was happy, hence passing everything so far!

After lunch…first test was the 24′ by myself. This was the only one I felt the most comfortable. We had been practicing it since the very begin of the class. I received the instructions from the cadre and then began. I was suppose too put it up, fully extend it, take it down, walk around the tower, put it back up, fully extend it,take it down, put it up and then take it down. During practice, I would have the most trouble with getting it up and not making the bottom slide. My first put up on the test slid, second slid, and third slid. I was only able to complete it because I stuck them into the cracks. The cadre that was doing this test has been known to be the meanest and toughest of all the cadre. During one of the practice days he told me that he would not give me a hard time, because he already knew that I had to go through a lot more then these guys had to go through. He also said that he yelled at the other guys for things like safety. He said I did not have a problem with that. He was told by the other cadre that I was able to pick things up quickly and I was a good listener. After I finished this test, I walked over to him and said, “That was horrendous.” He let out a laugh and said, “Yes, it was.” I teared up a bit as I explained to him that, that fail was my last substandard, and that I was out. He encouraged me with, “Of everyone here, you have improved the most of everyone. Your not all the way there yet, but you have come so far! At the beginning of ladders I saw you and said, she does not have the physical strength to do this. Now you are throwing the 35′ excellent. You have the most improvement I have seen.” This meant a lot.

I went back over to the guys….with eyes full of tears. I still kept myself strong. Only a few of the guys knew of my situation with my warnings and substandards. I decided that I would finish the last test and then RETAKE the 24′ to complete the day even though I knew I was already out.

I took the 20′ wooden ladder test and passed with flying colors. Then towards the end of the day, it was my turn to take the 24′ again….

The same thing happened…slip, slip, slip. A different cadre graded me and was extremely encouraging. He told me, “I want to commend you for continuing with the revolution even though you seemed to have known you failed. Keep that pride when you get into the service!”

Once again I returned to my cadets with tears in my eyes. This time feeling a bit more of the impact. This was it….I didn’t know how much longer or how many more minutes I would be able to spend with these guys.

Captain Scott pulled me aside and shared that he understood my being upset. He was very understanding and surprisingly told me, “Its okay to cry.”  I really didn’t cry very much. Not as much as I am used to. I knew I needed to continue to be strong and look to Him for my strength. I knew that I was not going to have a super dramatic or overly emotional exit. I planned already to keep my composure and to go out with confidence.

I was instructed to take a shower and clean up. I thought of what I would say to the cadets as my goodbye. So much went through my head as I took my time cleaning up and putting my uniform on. I jotted my thoughts down on paper really quickly of what I knew I needed to say. As I finished, I found out that two more of my cadets would be leaving with me. One of them wasn’t taking it so well…he was unable to pass the 24′ ladder removal from the engine. He retook it and again did not pass. He was very disappointed. Tears filled his eyes and he was completely broken. The other one seemed upset too, but I could not read how he truly felt. He was unable to continue because of a shoulder injury.

For an odd reason, the time between taking a shower to the time I spoke with my cadets before dismissal, I felt at peace. During this in-between time I joked, laughed, and chatted with my cadets. I wanted to take advantage of every last minute, every last second that I would be able to spend with them. Then it was time to line up on the yellow foot prints. I knew that I wanted to be dismissed right alongside them. I stood at my place in the front and Captain Scott came out.

“Everybody feeling good?”

“SIR, YES, SIR!”

“And who’s the best?”

(and with a loud, complete, unison, strong voice and eyes filled with tears, I stuck my chest out, put my chin up, stood tall and yelled…)

“WE’RE THE BEST, BETTER THEN THE REST, B-E-S-T, B-E-S-T, CLASS 75 IS THE BEST, SIR!”

Captain Scott gave command over to my BC. I told the BC that I wanted to say something before everyone left.

He called out, “Class 75, attention!” “Present, Arms” and all the cadets saluted us three cadets at the front. Warmed my heart. “Order, Arms” and their hands went back down.

I pulled out my paper from my pocket, cleared my throat in my typical silly way and began, “I want you guys to know that it has been a privilege………” I felt my throat cave in. I felt it tighten as my eyes filled with tears. “I’m going to let my other cadets talk first…” The other two cadets said their words of goodbye. The one who was having the harder time described it as the “worst feeling he had ever had…….hurts like hell.” I watched at the cadets listened to what these two guys had to say.

It was then my turn….(God give me the strength and the courage)

“Firstly, I want to let you guys know that it has been such a privilege to be a part of your class. I want to thank you for all putting up with my nonsense and for being there as brothers through this whole journey. Thank you so much for putting extra time into helping me and toughening me up. If I had one bit of advice for you, it would be to see you guys not bicker. I understand that each and everyone of you is very different. It tore me apart to see you guys bickering and pulling your team apart by arguing with one another. Please try to understand that you are all different and that you  need to work with one another and around those differences to help build one another up. I don’t want you guys to see this as a loss. This is just another step forward for me. I know that this will help me in the future and there is a plan to everything. I saw you guys as my friends at the beginning, but now I see you as my family. Remember throughout the academy I would tell you guys, ‘I love you’? Well every time I said that, I meant it. I really do love you guys. (Really began to choke up here) The hardest part about leaving this academy, is not the fact of missing out on what you guys will be doing, or what happens. I can come back. The academy will still be here for me. Its having to leave you guys. Its having to say goodbye to the people you have been spending every single day with for weeks and weeks. The people you have been going through all the hardships with. You have all become my brothers. I want all of you guys to know, that when I come back, and I look on the wall and see the picture of you guys, CLASS 75, I will be so proud of every single one of you! I don’t want you guys to leave here in silence. Today is not a sad day. It is a day to celebrate your passing of this part of the academy, the hardest part. I am so proud of you guys. I know everything you guys have been through in the last 8 weeks. I know how it feels and I’m so proud of you guys for staying strong and continuing. I brought you guys cookies to celebrate what you have conquered. I am so proud of all of you guys!”

By this point….there were sniffles, tears, and red faces among my fellow cadets. Seeing the faces of these amazing, strong, and tough guys was an awesome sight. I am so glad that I was able to move them and let them see how much they all really meant to me. The other two guys at the front with me went around to each cadet shook his hand and gave him a hug. They then fell back into formation. I did not go around because I felt that I would fall apart in tears. I stood my ground up at the front. My BC was wiping his face as he said, “Lets make this our very loudest we have ever been. We are losing some of our very best cadets today.”

He called, “Class 75, FALL OUT.”

And 47 of us in one strong voice for the last time, turned around, clapped twice and yelled, “CLASS 75″.

I was surprised by my brothers as they all came up and each gave me a big hug. In the arms of my brothers I was told, “I would work with you anyway.” “You have a great heart.” “I love you.” “Keep in touch.” “We will miss you.”

I had a chat with my two best brothers before I left. My first BC, Sozio and Gilmartin. These two boys believed in me the most. I respected them the most and felt that they truly believed in me. They gave the most time to help me and never stopped encouraging me. I will really miss them. I asked Sozio, “Are you disappointed in me?” and he replied, “Not at all, you did a great job and pushed through it all!” If there was anyone’s opinion that I listened to the most, it was these two boys. If I ever started to break down, these brothers of mine would help bring me right back up!

We then took a picture all together….my last picture with my 46 brothers.

As the guys slowly trailed out to their cars to leave, I would tell them, “I love you,” and they would say back, “I love you, too, Taylor.”

I shall always be a part of Class 75 and they shall always be a part of my family.

Thank you God for giving me a great last day. A day of respectful goodbyes to my family and the courage to complete it with my head held high.

I am Cadet Taylor and I will keep looking to Him for strength to move forward!

Down to 47

A week complete and a lot learned.

Sunday was a day full of tears. A horrible start to the week. I still felt tired and worn down in every possible way. Everything ached so deep and my mental strength was shot. It was a long long day of sitting and weeping no matter where I was. My at home family was gone…on vacation. I felt so alone. The week before was super tough with ladders and extremely overwhelming. I had been pushing myself to limits I never knew I could reach.

I already knew that if I went on Monday… there may not be a chance that I may go back at all for the rest of….. I felt so emotional and unable to keep my emotions in. I felt such an emotional wreck each day we had ladders in week 6. Every time I couldn’t put a ladder up I would end up tearing up and so frustrated. I knew that if there was any chance to continue, I NEEDED Monday off. I sent an email out Sunday evening to the Chief and my B.C. informing them and apologizing for any inconvenience.

With the help of my sister and other influential people in my life Monday was a loooong day of icing and resting. No out of the way fun activities. It was a TRUE day of rest. It was very hard to allow myself to take a second to STOP and take care of myself. I got an encouraging email back from the academy coordinator “I know its tough, however, I’ve heard nothing
but good about you, your efforts, your attitude and your heart! Don’t give up, don’t listen to anything from anyone except that you can do this….I believe you can do this as my staff all tell me you have a super attitude!!!….I know you can do it, hang in there!”

I made a bunch of encouraging flashcards. Here they are:

I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.   -Psalm 16:8

If I am not a failure, if I keep going, keep pushing, keep working.

Even when I feel I have given my last, keep going, because HE will give the strength.

Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never — in nothing, great or small, large or petty — never give in. -Winston Churchill

I am there to prepare for a real crisis, and to be able to learn my job and to be able to do it well.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” -Joshua 1:9

I will never surrender to the ladders.

Never give up, Never give in.

A substandard means I’m still trying.

Do your worst, and we will do our best! -Winston Churchill

Don’t dwell on time lost, take advantage of time to come.

Ladders are a USEFUL piece of equipment to HELP me.

“Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” -Isaiah 40:31

“The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trust in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy, and I will give thanks to him in song.” -Psalm 28:7

A substandard does not mean a failure, it means I DID NOT give up.

I can only get better, the more I practice.

You have God’s rod (His word) and His staff (His Spirit) surrounding you ALWAYS.

Every chance with the ladder is one step closer to getting better.

I am there for MYSELF, not to please/disappoint others. It’s MY dream.

“Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge.” -Psalm 16:1

Don’t dwell on what I can’t do, dwell on the progress.

It’s not about how fast I get there, its about taking each step TO get there.

No matter my gain or loss. I AM VALUABLE.

I will not quit. I can take another step. Just start with one and keep going.

Its not about what they think. I am there to learn to do a job and do it well.

I am not a failure, if the ladder does not get up.

I have a determined and committed heart.

After a full days rest, I was ready for Tuesday and ANYTHING that it could bring my way, and boy, was I gonna have a tough day. I would have collapsed and died if I did not take it on without God as my strength. I felt that I lost so much respect from not only many of my cadets, but also some of my cadre. But I still stood my ground and KNEW that I needed that day off no matter what the guys said. I got teased, put down, and disrespected because I needed the day off. Side comments were thrown at anything I said all week. I had to work extra hard at PT everyday. I had to stay extra strong through the ladder days. Some of the cadets even told me, “Taylor, you need to earn our respect back,” and the Cadre told me the same. I worked so hard and never gave up each day. The flashcards made a huge difference and I pulled them out and read each one every time I began to feel weak. It took the whole week to feel that I had earned most of their respect back.

I got a warning for missing Monday. I also got a warning on Thursday for not being able to put the roof ladder up. I was beat. My muscles were so dead when we got to this part of the day. We only got one chance to do it. It was very awkward for me. I wish I could have had a couple tries at it to be able to master it. Practice makes perfect.

Friday was full of Hose Lay tests. I was Captain and Hydrant Position on the Straight Lay. I was Engineer and Nozzle Position on the Reverse Lay. I feel that I have mastered all the positions on both lays very well. Sadly…there was one guy in our platoon who had a hard time. And not just a hard time, he just couldn’t get it. We all spent extra hours with him after and before class to try to help in anyway we could. Connecting/disconnecting couplings, installing/uninstalling the hose clamp, connecting a nozzle, running through each position in both hose lays, etc. He had it in his head. When he was put into the actual hose lay, he froze up. He was tongue tied in his actions. It killed all of us as we watched him go through each hose lay and butcher it. He just did not get it or could not put what he knew into what he was doing.

At the end of the day he had to retest his 3/4 hose lays. The Chief even came out to encourage him and tell him to do it well and get it done right. Once again they didn’t end up very well. We watched him talk with the cadre as we stood at attention. Our ears yearning to hear what the conversation was about and concerned of what was going to happen. We watched as he picked up his turnout gear and walked to the building with the Chief.

It was quiet as we did our chores for the evening. Cleaning the bathrooms/showers/classrooms/computer rooms/etc. As I walked down the hall, I saw his turnouts outside the Chiefs office and the door closed. They were in his office for about 2 hours. I have no idea what could be discussed for 2 hours, but I do know that this cadet can be quite the talker.

1730- We lined up as usual and were told that this cadet was going to come out and talk to us. I didn’t know what to expect, would he come out angry, upset, happy, satisfied? I heard the door close behind me as we stood at attention. The cadets in front of me watched as he walked out. He addressed us and told us flat out that he was unable to pass the hose lay test. He did say that he would be back in 2 academies. I was proud of him for not giving up. He told us how much of a privilege it was to go this far with us. He encouraged us that like in the Air Force, it is all about teamwork! He then walked around to each of us and shook our hands and gave us a hug. I teared up a bit as I watched him walk the rows. This was it for him.

There was little I knew about this Cadet. He was the oldest in our class. He was once married. He had gone through a painful divorce. He had a tattoo on his arm with a sword piercing a rose. He told me it was to resemble that “hate overcomes love.” When he told me this I responded, “You know love can overcome hate also?” and he agreed. He was an addition to my cadets and I because he had a very positive attitude. He never backstabbed. He never bickered. He encouraged us to stay together as a team. He never gave up or quit. He kept on pushing and practicing. This was just not his time. Many of us went to dinner with him after academy. When I left I made sure to give him a big hug.

We are now….down to 47.

Saturday was another frustrating day for me. I went to the academy at 10 and tried to do some ladders. I truly realized that i needed to take the weekend for me. Once again no matter what the cadets told me. I NEEDED the weekend to rest. My sister helped me realize why weekends are so hard. I keep so much of my emotions kept up inside all week to stay tough. On the weekends I get time to stop and think. Then the tears come out.

Bruises- I can count 15 right now. Different sizes and colors. Nerve damaged right shoulder. Weak over-used wrists.

No matter what….my heart is ready and prepared to take on this weeks challenges with God at my side no matter what.

Thank you for all the prayers and commitment to being my support through this.

The Climb

This is where my heart is right now. Doing my best to keep going on the climb!

Heavy Hanging Head

Feeling down…discouraged…weak…and frustrated.

Mornings are rushed and quick routine; getting dressed, packing my lunch, getting everything together. Then dart out the door with my lunch, gallon of water, uniform shirt on a hanger, keys, and my cup of warm milk with molasses and my big duffel bag. As soon as I get to the academy, put my uniform shirt on, grab all my things and walk like a homeless man with all their belongings on their back, over to the cabana (the home for my duffel bag each day). Then I go to my locker and put away my PT clothes to change into after posting the colors (raising flags and ringing the bell in respect of 9/11). I also go to get my silly beret and white gloves. Honestly….all the guys (and I) look very “happy” in them and I don’t know why we even wear them. I thought it looked better when we did our salutes with our helmets on. At least then we looked like firefighters. Now we look like “happy” french painters.

Each day, I am so concentrated on everything on the ground, down below me; setting up my turnout gear on the yellow foot prints and getting everything in order for the day. One day as I was intently focusing on what I was doing I noticed a pink tinge in the corner of my eye…As I looked to see what it was, I was in awe. The sky was full of silent still fluffy clouds. The sun hit them in such a beautiful way. I was amazed that I might have missed it. I stopped myself and realized, “Look at yourself. You are so rushed and caught up in everything you are not seeing the beauty that is still around you!” I felt as if God had taken my head and lifted it up to see what he had created for me. I squatted down right there on my footprints as everyone else around me rushed to get their things in line, folded my hands and thanked Him for such a sincere gift.

(I wish I had a picture to show you)

August 6th was a sad day for me. Something in my left knee began to not work right. I originally have pain in my right knee from Osgood Schlatter Disease. Now my right knee is my GOOD knee. My left knee is not allowing me to run far without pain. On a scale of 1-10, the pain is usually a 0 when I stand still, 3-4 when I am running, and if I keep running, it turns into an 8-9. It becomes so bad I have to take ALL weight off of it. It often shoots down to my foot and then from my knee down it goes numb. If I rest it for about 30 sec to a min, the pain goes away and goes back to a 3-4. If I don’t rest it and keep going, it feels like it will bend the opposite way if I straighten it all the way. I have been given the name “GIMP” by my beloved cadets, because I am limping around all the time.

I had to run 1 1/2 miles on Friday. I was required to run it in under 12 minutes. I did it in 13, so I received a Substandard. I understand the reasoning, but I would much have rather have not ran it and got a substandard then run it and then get a substandard. It was a true miracle just by the fact that I was able to do it at all with my knee. I can barely walk on it, let alone run across the grinder (black top on campus). All I know is that God gave me extra strength to get it done. I was AMAZED that I was able to do it at all. He takes good care of me. But it is still a shame that I received a substandard for it.

The last 2 weeks have been tearful from frustration! I have stacked up 3 Substandards. 5 Substandards= being kicked out of the academy. 2 Warnings= 1 Substandard. I got 4 warnings from my lack of strength with the ladders.

The ladders are truly a David and Goliath situation. By Sept. 1st, I have to be able to put up a 24 ft aluminum extension ladder by myself 3 times within 4 min. I also have to put up a 20 ft single wooden ladder alone. Then I have to put up a 35 ft aluminum extension ladder 2 times with another person under 11 minutes. I am still having a very hard time with the 24. I can do all the steps except stick it in the ground and put it up. The 35 is still a monster to me because of the weight.

The ladder cadre have been very helpful to me. They are helping in every way they can. I have been encouraged by the “toughest” instructor, “All the other instructors have told me how you have such a great attitude and how you catch onto things very quickly. You have everything it takes to be a firefighter except the strength right now. But I am going to do everything I can to help you. If you need anything please ask!” Another instructor pulled me aside and asked me after seeing how much I struggled with the 24, “Taylor, I honestly need to ask you this. Why do you want to be a firefighter?” and I answered him, “Sir, I love the physical and mental aspect of firefighting. I love the challenges it gives. I love to help people and I want to use everything I have to help them!”. This instructor I had met before. I was his daughters preschool teacher for 2 years.  He encouraged me and told me that he wanted to help me in anyway that he possibly could.

I can see that all the instructors believe in me and want me to succeed.

My first Battalion Chief, I have come to respect the most! He was in the marines and understands so much of what it takes to get through this. He has sacrificed a lot of time to not only encourage me but to toughen me up. He understands the challenge. He has the same tough “go getter” personality as me. It is easy to talk to him. Of all my fellow cadets, I would want to go into a fire with him the most. He is a no nonsense person and plays no games and gives no silly sympathy. On our first day he told me, “Taylor. I just see you as a weird looking guy.” Since that first day, he has been a best friend and right by my side. I respect him as a brother and proud to have him as a friend!

I am frustrated that I am slowly becoming the weak link more and more each day. Whether because of my knees or my wrists. I hate having to get help from the other guys around me. I do NOT like to be babied. I have sat in the locker room staring at my knee asking, “WHY WON’T YOU WORK?” as tears go down my face. It is such a horrible feeling to want something so bad in your head and in your heart, but not have the body to be able to do it. As of now, I am not able to participate in the running portion or the tower stair climbs during PT due to my knee. I feel like a child in detention when I watch the boys work hard as I sit on the sideline and watch.

I know I should not let the Substandards bother me, but I can’t help but worry about them. I don’t want to be kicked out. I never had thoughts about being a part of a future class until ladders started. I don’t want to be the weak one that is bringing others down. I feel like I am making others work harder because I am going slower. I feel that I am already failing. I shine when it comes to other aspects and duties in the academy. The ladders are the one area that I REALLY struggle.

I do not want to rest. I do not want to take time for me. I want to spend all my time practicing the ladders, but when I go, I struggle. I hate how my body is slowly going; my knees, wrists, shoulders, etc.

I feel very alone and I’m not sure this blog will have a good ending…but I am trying to keep my chin up, even though it feels a thousand pounds. It is taking more and more to put a smile on my face each day.

To end on a good note….I have gained more weight.

4 Weeks Complete

A full and complete week!

First female in California to get Hydrogen Fuel Cell Fire Training.

Tuesday was a full morning of lecture including “classroom instruction, group exercises involving incident scenarios and a quiz” (Direct quote from Whittier Daily News).

http://www.whittierdailynews.com/ci_15679439?IADID=Search-www.whittierdailynews.com-www.whittierdailynews.com

(That is the link to the article)

I really enjoyed the hands-on live-fire exercise. Even though the water pressure was only at 100 psi, it was still pretty tough for me to get a hold of the hose and keep control. I was very thankful to one of the Chief’s from Washington conducting the training, to take extra time with me to help me learn the technique of staying low and really using my legs and lean into the hose. It was fun too.

Class 75 was the FIRST class to ever get this training. “This is first time it has been conducted outside of Washington state.” This making me the first FEMALE in CA to get the training. I feel pretty proud about that! If anyone would like a signature you may ask me on the weekends. haha

Wednesday we did 3 different training exercises. The first consisted of putting our flash hoods over our faces and hooking up to our SCBA (self contained breathing apparatus). My partner and I were then lead up to the 3rd floor of the tower and then put on the nozzle of the hose. We were then instructed to follow the hose out before we ran out of air. I lead my buddy and me all the way out. Almost didn’t make it.

The second exercise involved doing our physical abilities test (Biddle) as many time threw as possible while being timed on air (without the dummy drag, ladder carry, and tower section). It also added an additional hose bundle exercise and connecting and disconnecting a hose to a fire hydrant. It was to show us how long we can make our air cylinders last when we are working. I was on a 30 minute bottle. The average is 12-15 min (50% of the bottle’s indicated time). I lasted for 17 minutes. When I was taking the test, I was trying to breath as many deep breaths as possible. I was so jealous of the guys that used their bottle up within like 8 minutes. One guys I felt so bad for. He accidentally grabbed a 45 minute bottle. He went for 32 minutes straight. He said he kept looking at his pressure gauge and kept getting disappointed when it was going down. Poor guy.

The third exercise involved going into a fully dark and fog-filled room with a partner, finding our SCBAs, clicking into air, and getting back out. I did fine except that the fog made my eyes sting so bad!

We then did all went through a 16″ whole in some ply wood. Super easy for me. I went straight through it with no adjusting or squeezing. The instructor said, “Taylor, we need to make a 12″ hole for you.”

The last little section of this exercise was scooting on our backs through strung across ropes to practice if we fell through something and there were a lot of wires. I flew through this too. As long as the cadets listen and understand why the cadre are telling us to use a specific technique, the exercise is easy.

Thursday was our first time Platoon A and Platoon B were split. I am in Platoon A and we did our first Hose Lay. Most of the morning we learned how to put the hose back onto the apparatus in an organized way. The three ways we learned were flat, accordion, and horseshoe. It is important to make your hose look organized and neat in the back of your rig because it is a direct reflection of you.(This picture is a neatly laid accordion)

In the afternoon we ran through our first hose lays with a Captain, Engineer, Hydrant man, and Nozzle man. I had really fun time with this. It is fun to see how everyone works together to do such a big job. I was the Captain when I did it. For the next month we will perfect both the straight lay and the reverse lay.

Friday was our first ladder day. It was a day full of new thoughts and new strivings. The next month is full of Hose Lays and Ladders.

So far the things I have learned from ladders:

-Do NOT make them have to repeat telling an individual to not do something

-Listen to directions

-He yells at your because he wants you to learn what is right

-Take the little advise that they do give you

-Take an Ibuprofen every 6 hours or less

-Stay on your toes

-Keep your head up

Keeping my head up, looking to God for the strength, staying positive, and believing in myself will help me get through the next month.

“How bad do you want to be here?”

“I want to be here so bad!”

“Why are you here?”

“I am here to spend time and effort in learning the techniques and skills to become a firefighter!”

Do you like it………”I LOVE IT!”

Week 3

7/26-7/30

Mental strength defines how great of a firefighter you can be.

This week was a blessing in more ways that one.

Studied with some of the guys on Sunday night with a yummy BBQ.

Mon- For PT we did 46 burpies. Burpies are a 5 count exercise. 1- crouching down. 2- popping your legs out behind you into a push-up position. 3- going down in a push-up. 4- going up in a push-up. 5- popping your feet back in and standing up. The burpies helped my knee get the blood flowing. My knee has been giving my some problems. This is my problem.

http://kidshealth.org/parent/general/aches/osgood.html

I wear a knee brace underneath my knee to help support it whenever we do a lot of exercise involving my knee.

We went and ran a little more then 4 miles right after that. The burpies helped so much. At the end, I felt like I could easily run at least another mile.

I was feeling good!

Tues- A girl a little older then me, walked into our class during lecture. Asked the teacher a question in the front, and then walked back to me in the last row of the classroom. She said to me, “Hey, can I talk to you when you get out?”

During my next break, I went to speak with her. Turns out she is a previous graduated cadet. She came to ask if I needed any help with anything. As soon as I understood why she was there, I wanted to just jump and give her a hug. I felt as if she was an angel to come and help with the load. That night, her and her friend (also female graduated cadet) came to my house and helped me study for the first big test on Wed. Block #1 has to score 80% or better. They really helped a lot. We talked not only about the test but other small tips of how to get through it. Tips on instructors, tips on topics, and how to live through the academy as a female.

Wed- Block test, no PT , and a full day in the classroom…..really? Yup. Pretty boring day. Before we were dismissed the cadre told us, ” Make sure you all get enough sleep tonight. You will need it for tomorrow.”

Thurs- PT…boy were they right about getting sleep. I was so happy I was ready for the day. Super confident mentally. If I didn’t have my confidence I DOUBT I would have made it through the day alive. Hose drags, sprints, push-ups, sit-ups, squats, lunges, step-up, step downs, and a set of exercises with a 45 lb bar. I really had to push myself hard that day. The hose drag is the most difficult for me. It is with two 50 ft long 2 1/2 hoses. The other guys can use their weight to help with the weight. I am so light that I have to use ALL of my legs to just get the hose 100 meters. The cadre (instructors) were screaming in my face trying to get me to give up. I would never give up. No matter what. It may take me a little longer, but I WILL finish it. When I finished the 3 sets of hose drags, the instructor that was screaming at me gave me a high five. It felt so good to make them proud. Their yelling is truly just a mental game that you have to ignore and keep pushing and keep going no matter what.

Fri- Pt was a challenge but my body was more prepared for it. It consisted of many Plyometrics (a system of exercise in which the muscles are repeatedly stretched and suddenly contracted). It was tool day. We went over the hand tools, the name that goes with each tool, and how to use it. I had some fun practicing my nailing by making our class number. (75) We took apart a chainsaw. We also got to get used to starting up and stopping generators, both motor and engined fans, chainsaws, and rotary saws.

Funny story: As one of the guys were sticking their heads down to look inside of the oil in the generator, a not so attentive student pulled the cord to start. The student on the ground got oil sprayed ALL over him. He was a good sport about it and it was quite comical.

I learned all about how a 2 stroke and a 4 stroke engine work. I really enjoyed the time given by the cadre for us to learn it. I like learning how things work. It is amazing how such a little piston can energize such a powerful tool.

Sun (8/1): I got to go and see Ryan in the Hospital. (Friend who got into a serious motorcycle accident on 7/1) It has been a month since I had last seen him. I was speechless to see his progress. He is a true miracle. Within a month, he has had all tubes removed from him. He is now eating and breathing on his own. He is up on he feet relearning how to walk. He can talk very easily. His memory AMAZED me. He has a better memory then I do, with OUT an accident. He has so much energy and is extremely positive. God has really made a miracle out of him. All of us will continue to pray for him. Thank you to those who may not know him but have been praying for him.

Feeling the Oneness

Before Week 3

7/26

It takes an EXTREMELY strong female to deal with 48 cadet males and even more male instructors for 60+ hours a week…..alone.

By the time it got to Friday, I was ready to chew just about every one of their heads off. I was so very thankful that I had the weekend to cool off.

I feel as if my word does not matter or does not need to be listened to because I am a female. This whole experience is such an interesting growing period for me not just physically, but SO much mentally. Its about staying strong no matter what the guys may say. Its about still finding value in myself when all the others around me may not. Its about keeping my goal set and not allowing those around me to adjust that path. As much as I do not even make a dent in their ego, I need to do the same and just let their words and actions ricochet off of me.

The message I get from many of the guys makes me ask myself questions such as “How do I express myself?” and realize that they don’t listen neither do they care to listen because “The way I feel doesn’t matter.” I am a true dedicated philosopher on life compared to many of my fellow cadets. I see them as a slate. I see myself as a 3D image with continual new additions and many parts that have yet to be discovered. At the same time this is school, not a class in which all of us pour our hearts out about life. So I understand that, but then again at the same time, how much better could we be if we REALLY worked together as a team and listened to how each other felt about respect and using that respect with each other? The last thing I want to be giving to the guy that picks his nose all day, sends me the message that my word has no say, and uses up many of my supplies…..is respect.

I have learned from the last 2 weeks that I have been taking the motherly position to some of the guys; always having the supply they need such as band-aids, highlighters, whiteout, ibuprofen, knee-braces, etc. Now don’t get me wrong, this is a team effort kinda of business. In everything, we are SUPPOSE to do as a team! But I feel there is a fine line between being a team player and being a reliant player. This week I plan to really take myself out of that motherly position and to get some of these boys back on their own two feet. I don’t want to be the one many are dependent on. It takes enough just to keep myself on my own two feet.

This week will be tough. I am feeling irritated and distracted by these feelings. Even now as I write this just an hour before I leave, I feel mentally weak.

“I can do it. The Lord is my strength. Its all mental. Stay mentally strong. Never give up. Never quit!”