Feeling down…discouraged…weak…and frustrated.
Mornings are rushed and quick routine; getting dressed, packing my lunch, getting everything together. Then dart out the door with my lunch, gallon of water, uniform shirt on a hanger, keys, and my cup of warm milk with molasses and my big duffel bag. As soon as I get to the academy, put my uniform shirt on, grab all my things and walk like a homeless man with all their belongings on their back, over to the cabana (the home for my duffel bag each day). Then I 
go to my locker and put away my PT clothes to change into after posting the colors (raising flags and ringing the bell in respect of 9/11). I also go to get my silly beret and white gloves. Honestly….all the guys (and I) look very “happy” in them and I don’t know why we even wear them. I thought it looked better when we did our salutes with our helmets on. At least then we looked like firefighters. Now we look like “happy” french painters.
Each day, I am so concentrated on everything on the ground, down below me; setting up my turnout gear on the yellow foot prints and getting everything in order for the day. One day as I was intently focusing on what I was doing I noticed a pink tinge in the corner of my eye…As I looked to see what it was, I was in awe. The sky was full of silent still fluffy clouds. The sun hit them in such a beautiful way. I was amazed that I might have missed it. I stopped myself and realized, “Look at yourself. You are so rushed and caught up in everything you are not seeing the beauty that is still around you!” I felt as if God had taken my head and lifted it up to see what he had created for me. I squatted down right there on my footprints as everyone else around me rushed to get their things in line, folded my hands and thanked Him for such a sincere gift.
(I wish I had a picture to show you)
August 6th was a sad day for me. Something in my left knee began to not work right. I originally have pain in my right knee from Osgood Schlatter Disease. Now my right knee is my GOOD knee. My left knee is not allowing me to run far without pain. On a scale of 1-10, the pain is usually a 0 when I stand still, 3-4 when I am running, and if I keep running, it turns into an 8-9. It becomes so bad I have to take ALL weight off of it. It often shoots down to my foot and then from my knee down it goes numb. If I rest it for about 30 sec to a min, the pain goes away and goes back to a 3-4. If I don’t rest it and keep going, it feels like it will bend the opposite way if I straighten it all the way. I have been given the name “GIMP” by my beloved cadets, because I am limping around all the time.
I had to run 1 1/2 miles on Friday. I was required to run it in under 12 minutes. I did it in 13, so I received a Substandard. I understand the reasoning, but I would much have rather have not ran it and got a substandard then run it and then get a substandard. It was a true miracle just by the fact that I was able to do it at all with my knee. I can barely walk on it, let alone run across the grinder (black top on campus). All I know is that God gave me extra strength to get it done. I was AMAZED that I was able to do it at all. He takes good care of me. But it is still a shame that I received a substandard for it.
The last 2 weeks have been tearful from frustration! I have stacked up 3 Substandards. 5 Substandards= being kicked out of the academy. 2 Warnings= 1 Substandard. I got 4 warnings from my lack of strength with the ladders.
The ladders are truly a David and Goliath situation. By Sept. 1st, I have to be able to put up a 24 ft aluminum extension ladder by myself 3 times within 4 min. I also have to put up a 20 ft single wooden ladder alone. Then I have to put up a 35 ft aluminum extension ladder 2 times with another person under 11 minutes. I am still having a very hard time with the 24. I can do all the steps except stick it in the ground and put it up. The 35 is still a monster to me because of the weight.
The ladder cadre have been very helpful to me. They are helping in every way they can. I have been encouraged by the “toughest” instructor, “All the other instructors have told me how you have such a great attitude and how you catch onto things very quickly. You have everything it takes to be a firefighter except the strength right now. But I am going to do everything I can to help you. If you need anything please ask!” Another instructor pulled me aside and asked me after seeing how much I struggled with the 24, “Taylor, I honestly need to ask you this. Why do you want to be a firefighter?” and I answered him, “Sir, I love the physical and mental aspect of firefighting. I love the challenges it gives. I love to help people and I want to use everything I have to help them!”. This instructor I had met before. I was his daughters preschool teacher for 2 years. He encouraged me and told me that he wanted to help me in anyway that he possibly could.
I can see that all the instructors believe in me and want me to succeed.
My first Battalion Chief, I have come to respect the most! He was in the marines and understands so much of what it takes to get through this. He has sacrificed a lot of time to not only encourage me but to toughen me up. He understands the challenge. He has the same tough “go getter” personality as me. It is easy to talk to him. Of all my fellow cadets, I would want to go into a fire with him the most. He is a no nonsense person and plays no games and gives no silly sympathy. On our first day he told me, “Taylor. I just see you as a weird looking guy.” Since that first day, he has been a best friend and right by my side. I respect him as a brother and proud to have him as a friend!
I am frustrated that I am slowly becoming the weak link more and more each day. Whether because of my knees or my wrists. I hate having to get help from the other guys around me. I do NOT like to be babied. I have sat in the locker room staring at my knee asking, “WHY WON’T YOU WORK?” as tears go down my face. It is such a horrible feeling to want something so bad in your head and in your heart, but not have the body to be able to do it. As of now, I am not able to participate in the running portion or the tower stair climbs during PT due to my knee. I feel like a child in detention when I watch the boys work hard as I sit on the sideline and watch.
I know I should not let the Substandards bother me, but I can’t help but worry about them. I don’t want to be kicked out. I never had thoughts about being a part of a future class until ladders started. I don’t want to be the weak one that is bringing others down. I feel like I am making others work harder because I am going slower. 
I feel that I am already failing. I shine when it comes to other aspects and duties in the academy. The ladders are the one area that I REALLY struggle.
I do not want to rest. I do not want to take time for me. I want to spend all my time practicing the ladders, but when I go, I struggle. I hate how my body is slowly going; my knees, wrists, shoulders, etc.
I feel very alone and I’m not sure this blog will have a good ending…but I am trying to keep my chin up, even though it feels a thousand pounds. It is taking more and more to put a smile on my face each day.
To end on a good note….I have gained more weight. 
