Down to 47

A week complete and a lot learned.

Sunday was a day full of tears. A horrible start to the week. I still felt tired and worn down in every possible way. Everything ached so deep and my mental strength was shot. It was a long long day of sitting and weeping no matter where I was. My at home family was gone…on vacation. I felt so alone. The week before was super tough with ladders and extremely overwhelming. I had been pushing myself to limits I never knew I could reach.

I already knew that if I went on Monday… there may not be a chance that I may go back at all for the rest of….. I felt so emotional and unable to keep my emotions in. I felt such an emotional wreck each day we had ladders in week 6. Every time I couldn’t put a ladder up I would end up tearing up and so frustrated. I knew that if there was any chance to continue, I NEEDED Monday off. I sent an email out Sunday evening to the Chief and my B.C. informing them and apologizing for any inconvenience.

With the help of my sister and other influential people in my life Monday was a loooong day of icing and resting. No out of the way fun activities. It was a TRUE day of rest. It was very hard to allow myself to take a second to STOP and take care of myself. I got an encouraging email back from the academy coordinator “I know its tough, however, I’ve heard nothing
but good about you, your efforts, your attitude and your heart! Don’t give up, don’t listen to anything from anyone except that you can do this….I believe you can do this as my staff all tell me you have a super attitude!!!….I know you can do it, hang in there!”

I made a bunch of encouraging flashcards. Here they are:

I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.   -Psalm 16:8

If I am not a failure, if I keep going, keep pushing, keep working.

Even when I feel I have given my last, keep going, because HE will give the strength.

Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never — in nothing, great or small, large or petty — never give in. -Winston Churchill

I am there to prepare for a real crisis, and to be able to learn my job and to be able to do it well.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” -Joshua 1:9

I will never surrender to the ladders.

Never give up, Never give in.

A substandard means I’m still trying.

Do your worst, and we will do our best! -Winston Churchill

Don’t dwell on time lost, take advantage of time to come.

Ladders are a USEFUL piece of equipment to HELP me.

“Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” -Isaiah 40:31

“The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trust in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy, and I will give thanks to him in song.” -Psalm 28:7

A substandard does not mean a failure, it means I DID NOT give up.

I can only get better, the more I practice.

You have God’s rod (His word) and His staff (His Spirit) surrounding you ALWAYS.

Every chance with the ladder is one step closer to getting better.

I am there for MYSELF, not to please/disappoint others. It’s MY dream.

“Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge.” -Psalm 16:1

Don’t dwell on what I can’t do, dwell on the progress.

It’s not about how fast I get there, its about taking each step TO get there.

No matter my gain or loss. I AM VALUABLE.

I will not quit. I can take another step. Just start with one and keep going.

Its not about what they think. I am there to learn to do a job and do it well.

I am not a failure, if the ladder does not get up.

I have a determined and committed heart.

After a full days rest, I was ready for Tuesday and ANYTHING that it could bring my way, and boy, was I gonna have a tough day. I would have collapsed and died if I did not take it on without God as my strength. I felt that I lost so much respect from not only many of my cadets, but also some of my cadre. But I still stood my ground and KNEW that I needed that day off no matter what the guys said. I got teased, put down, and disrespected because I needed the day off. Side comments were thrown at anything I said all week. I had to work extra hard at PT everyday. I had to stay extra strong through the ladder days. Some of the cadets even told me, “Taylor, you need to earn our respect back,” and the Cadre told me the same. I worked so hard and never gave up each day. The flashcards made a huge difference and I pulled them out and read each one every time I began to feel weak. It took the whole week to feel that I had earned most of their respect back.

I got a warning for missing Monday. I also got a warning on Thursday for not being able to put the roof ladder up. I was beat. My muscles were so dead when we got to this part of the day. We only got one chance to do it. It was very awkward for me. I wish I could have had a couple tries at it to be able to master it. Practice makes perfect.

Friday was full of Hose Lay tests. I was Captain and Hydrant Position on the Straight Lay. I was Engineer and Nozzle Position on the Reverse Lay. I feel that I have mastered all the positions on both lays very well. Sadly…there was one guy in our platoon who had a hard time. And not just a hard time, he just couldn’t get it. We all spent extra hours with him after and before class to try to help in anyway we could. Connecting/disconnecting couplings, installing/uninstalling the hose clamp, connecting a nozzle, running through each position in both hose lays, etc. He had it in his head. When he was put into the actual hose lay, he froze up. He was tongue tied in his actions. It killed all of us as we watched him go through each hose lay and butcher it. He just did not get it or could not put what he knew into what he was doing.

At the end of the day he had to retest his 3/4 hose lays. The Chief even came out to encourage him and tell him to do it well and get it done right. Once again they didn’t end up very well. We watched him talk with the cadre as we stood at attention. Our ears yearning to hear what the conversation was about and concerned of what was going to happen. We watched as he picked up his turnout gear and walked to the building with the Chief.

It was quiet as we did our chores for the evening. Cleaning the bathrooms/showers/classrooms/computer rooms/etc. As I walked down the hall, I saw his turnouts outside the Chiefs office and the door closed. They were in his office for about 2 hours. I have no idea what could be discussed for 2 hours, but I do know that this cadet can be quite the talker.

1730- We lined up as usual and were told that this cadet was going to come out and talk to us. I didn’t know what to expect, would he come out angry, upset, happy, satisfied? I heard the door close behind me as we stood at attention. The cadets in front of me watched as he walked out. He addressed us and told us flat out that he was unable to pass the hose lay test. He did say that he would be back in 2 academies. I was proud of him for not giving up. He told us how much of a privilege it was to go this far with us. He encouraged us that like in the Air Force, it is all about teamwork! He then walked around to each of us and shook our hands and gave us a hug. I teared up a bit as I watched him walk the rows. This was it for him.

There was little I knew about this Cadet. He was the oldest in our class. He was once married. He had gone through a painful divorce. He had a tattoo on his arm with a sword piercing a rose. He told me it was to resemble that “hate overcomes love.” When he told me this I responded, “You know love can overcome hate also?” and he agreed. He was an addition to my cadets and I because he had a very positive attitude. He never backstabbed. He never bickered. He encouraged us to stay together as a team. He never gave up or quit. He kept on pushing and practicing. This was just not his time. Many of us went to dinner with him after academy. When I left I made sure to give him a big hug.

We are now….down to 47.

Saturday was another frustrating day for me. I went to the academy at 10 and tried to do some ladders. I truly realized that i needed to take the weekend for me. Once again no matter what the cadets told me. I NEEDED the weekend to rest. My sister helped me realize why weekends are so hard. I keep so much of my emotions kept up inside all week to stay tough. On the weekends I get time to stop and think. Then the tears come out.

Bruises- I can count 15 right now. Different sizes and colors. Nerve damaged right shoulder. Weak over-used wrists.

No matter what….my heart is ready and prepared to take on this weeks challenges with God at my side no matter what.

Thank you for all the prayers and commitment to being my support through this.

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