Goodbye My Brothers

(2 tips before reading: this is extremely long. Also please keep in mind I am still sensitive and in the throes of processing this topic)

My stomach tightens as I begin to write this…

*Starbucks on Thursday*

“What is your name?”

…….”Tay…..oh….Jessica.”

“Decided to change your name?”

….”No, I’m just used to being called my last name.”

Monday:

PT in the morning was awesome. We did 3 stations, each for 20 minutes. Started with dips and pull ups. Then 10 military presses with a hose bundle, 15 push-ups on it, and 15 squats holding it. Last was 18 spots in the weight room. Special thing about it was that they had music on for us as we went through each spot. Its amazing how much harder I work out when I have music. I got such a good workout in! After that was a very full day of practicing ladders. By the end of the day I still could not get the 35 up and I was having a lot of trouble with the extra weight of the SCBA (breathing apparatus on my back) as I put up the 24. It just was not sticking. It was still so frustrating, but my flashcards helped me to keep going. Now that I think about it, I have no idea how I completed the day because it was my last day to practice before the test. I could have felt completely overwhelmed…but God really gave me the strength through the whole day.

Tues:

“Will this be my last full day…whether it is or isn’t….I will cherish every minute!”

As the day started, from the instant I woke up to the point where I turned off the light to sleep…I realized how much I loved doing this!

Its the little things that I made sure to notice…that I knew I would miss….if…

- That neighbor who left his house around the same time I was leaving.

- That lady who would always have her flashers on as she loaded her car.

- The still quiet darkness, as we would get out of our cars, and get ready for the day.

-Laying out my turnout gear in our commanded order. In front of the whole class, alongside my BC.

- As we marched, I took a look over my shoulder to see how everyone looked. (I marched at the very front with the B.C. and the other guide on) It was crisp. It was clean. It was straight. My class looked so sharp! Such a big difference from the first week.

- At the beginning of the class, whenever we went inside to sit down, it was a sloppy sound as the chairs were pulled out and pushed back in. Now it was a sound of unison. A complete sound of one as we all would stand at attention, sit down, and get back up.

-As we would round the corner, the sun would be peeking right over the trees on the horizon.

- Morning march/salutes, the only other guide on (other then me) would stupidly stomp his feet and make me laugh every morning. This cadet would always make us all laugh with his silly ways, voices and impersonations.

- Captain Scott told us, “Your halfway through.”

- I no longer saw these guys as my friends, but as my family!

We worked on ropes and knots all day. I really began to feel a fire inside as we started something other then ladders. Something that I got and picked up quickly. Something that I knew I can shine in. We began to talk about what future things would be going on with rescue and tying off equipment.

This picture is of Platoon A and I as we practiced in class. It really sparked my fire again and I enjoyed all the time we practiced. I was so sore from the workout the day before. I could not imagine what Platoon B felt like as they took the Ladder tests all day.

At the end of everyday before we are dismissed, Captain Scott will come out and say “Everybody feeling good?”

And we all respond in one loud strong voice, “SIR, YES, SIR!”

“And who’s the best?”

“WE’RE THE BEST, BETTER THEN THE REST, B-E-S-T, B-E-S-T, CLASS 75 IS THE BEST, SIR!”

We all felt this was the cheesiest and very….mmm….not put together well when we first started to yell it. But, now, it became a part of us and we would say it loud and proud.

I teared up as I yelled it this time…I did not know what the next day would hold…Wednesday was the BIG DAY. Ladder test day.

I went to the store with my mother to buy 3 boxes of vanilla meringue cookies for the guys and cadre as a celebration for those who passed the next day. No matter what, I knew that I wanted to be thankful to the cadre for their help and give those who passed something to celebrate with.

Wednesday (THE LADDER TEST DAY):

My situation was not of the best. God really has a plan…and I still may not see it to this day, but there is a reason for it. I counted my warning papers, I had 8 which equated 4 Substandards. I also had another substandard for not completing the mile and half. 5 Substandards means no more academy…yet I was still there. There were 4 ladder tests. If any of them were failed, the cadet would be given a substandard and another chance to retake. From there they would have to pass or be kicked out of the academy. Lastly, with the 2 person 35′ ladder, if the partner messed up and ended up failing, both cadets would receive a substandard.

I felt empowered. I felt strong. It did not matter, no matter what the outcome, I would stay strong and trust in Him.

Everyone….family, friends, and cadets wished me luck. I knew they were all behind me and believed in me! Engine 1 was ready for the day!

The test consisted of 4 different tests. First for me was the 2 person 35′ ladders. We had to take 2 of these ladders, put them both up, and then take them both down within 13 minutes. One ladder had to go up on a beam raise, the other had to go up as a flat raise. Each raise consists of a person on one end to hold it down as the other person raises it. And for each we would have to switch positions. I had only done the beam raise 3 times and never been able to get it up on my own. Most think it is the hardest of the two. I had practiced the flat raise and planned to raise it for the test. This was also very difficult for me and again I had never been able to raise it COMPLETELY on my own, but I felt much more comfortable with the flat raise. My partner and I were the first of my platoon up for this test. Funny thing is, in the morning, I had practiced with 3 guys the whole routine. My partner for my test was one of these guys. We had decided that I would raise for the flat, and he would raise for the beam.

Right before I went to the testing area. The cadets made sure to give me a good pat on the back and wish me luck. My new BC told me, “I said a prayer for you last night.”

We got our instructions from our cadre. He pointed to my partner and said, “Your going to raise on the flat, and Taylor, your going to raise on the beam.” My brain totally farted….thoughts raised….(“Beam raise?…no way…Beam raise? wait…I’ve never been able to do it before? ahhhhhhhh….ok. ok. ok. Taylor, calm down. You have the greatest coach ever. Get your head straight, trust, and perform….YOU CAN DO IT!”)

Beam raise was first… We picked it up, went around to the other side of the building. (“TRUST.”) My partner yelled, “Spot, Ladder.” Up it went on my shoulder. Down the tip went and he yelled, “Raise, Ladder.” Popped the ladder straight above me. All my training kept going through my head, (“Keep your arms straight. Use your legs. Explode. Keep your body in line.”) The weight was so light. He gave me the strength and I was able to get it up and take it back down AND COMPLETE the entire test within the right amount of time.

I was so overwhelmed with joy at the end when the cadre told me that I had passed. He asked me, “How do you think you did?”

I responded, “I think that is the best I’ve ever done!”

“I completely agree with that. That was SO AMAZING! Congratulations!”

It was such a fulfilling feeling. I had completed the 35′ first try! We were not allowed to talk about our results. As I rounded the corner where all my cadets were, I communicated the result with a BIG smile! They all knew I had done it! We celebrated in silence. I went to the bathroom and sat……(“Thank you!”)

Time to concentrate on the next test. This one was to remove the 24′ ladder from the side of the engine, put it up 2 times and then place it back on, without hitting any part of the engine. This one I had yet to complete, also. Waiting….for my turn. Prayers were lifted up over and over again.

My turn was up. Prayed. Received instructions and completed the whole revolution with no mess up. THATS A PASS!!! I then listed off all the parts of the ladder in perfect order.

I was gleaming. It was lunch time and I was a ball full of joy! Two more tests and the day would be complete. We joined platoon B and they could also see that I was happy, hence passing everything so far!

After lunch…first test was the 24′ by myself. This was the only one I felt the most comfortable. We had been practicing it since the very begin of the class. I received the instructions from the cadre and then began. I was suppose too put it up, fully extend it, take it down, walk around the tower, put it back up, fully extend it,take it down, put it up and then take it down. During practice, I would have the most trouble with getting it up and not making the bottom slide. My first put up on the test slid, second slid, and third slid. I was only able to complete it because I stuck them into the cracks. The cadre that was doing this test has been known to be the meanest and toughest of all the cadre. During one of the practice days he told me that he would not give me a hard time, because he already knew that I had to go through a lot more then these guys had to go through. He also said that he yelled at the other guys for things like safety. He said I did not have a problem with that. He was told by the other cadre that I was able to pick things up quickly and I was a good listener. After I finished this test, I walked over to him and said, “That was horrendous.” He let out a laugh and said, “Yes, it was.” I teared up a bit as I explained to him that, that fail was my last substandard, and that I was out. He encouraged me with, “Of everyone here, you have improved the most of everyone. Your not all the way there yet, but you have come so far! At the beginning of ladders I saw you and said, she does not have the physical strength to do this. Now you are throwing the 35′ excellent. You have the most improvement I have seen.” This meant a lot.

I went back over to the guys….with eyes full of tears. I still kept myself strong. Only a few of the guys knew of my situation with my warnings and substandards. I decided that I would finish the last test and then RETAKE the 24′ to complete the day even though I knew I was already out.

I took the 20′ wooden ladder test and passed with flying colors. Then towards the end of the day, it was my turn to take the 24′ again….

The same thing happened…slip, slip, slip. A different cadre graded me and was extremely encouraging. He told me, “I want to commend you for continuing with the revolution even though you seemed to have known you failed. Keep that pride when you get into the service!”

Once again I returned to my cadets with tears in my eyes. This time feeling a bit more of the impact. This was it….I didn’t know how much longer or how many more minutes I would be able to spend with these guys.

Captain Scott pulled me aside and shared that he understood my being upset. He was very understanding and surprisingly told me, “Its okay to cry.”  I really didn’t cry very much. Not as much as I am used to. I knew I needed to continue to be strong and look to Him for my strength. I knew that I was not going to have a super dramatic or overly emotional exit. I planned already to keep my composure and to go out with confidence.

I was instructed to take a shower and clean up. I thought of what I would say to the cadets as my goodbye. So much went through my head as I took my time cleaning up and putting my uniform on. I jotted my thoughts down on paper really quickly of what I knew I needed to say. As I finished, I found out that two more of my cadets would be leaving with me. One of them wasn’t taking it so well…he was unable to pass the 24′ ladder removal from the engine. He retook it and again did not pass. He was very disappointed. Tears filled his eyes and he was completely broken. The other one seemed upset too, but I could not read how he truly felt. He was unable to continue because of a shoulder injury.

For an odd reason, the time between taking a shower to the time I spoke with my cadets before dismissal, I felt at peace. During this in-between time I joked, laughed, and chatted with my cadets. I wanted to take advantage of every last minute, every last second that I would be able to spend with them. Then it was time to line up on the yellow foot prints. I knew that I wanted to be dismissed right alongside them. I stood at my place in the front and Captain Scott came out.

“Everybody feeling good?”

“SIR, YES, SIR!”

“And who’s the best?”

(and with a loud, complete, unison, strong voice and eyes filled with tears, I stuck my chest out, put my chin up, stood tall and yelled…)

“WE’RE THE BEST, BETTER THEN THE REST, B-E-S-T, B-E-S-T, CLASS 75 IS THE BEST, SIR!”

Captain Scott gave command over to my BC. I told the BC that I wanted to say something before everyone left.

He called out, “Class 75, attention!” “Present, Arms” and all the cadets saluted us three cadets at the front. Warmed my heart. “Order, Arms” and their hands went back down.

I pulled out my paper from my pocket, cleared my throat in my typical silly way and began, “I want you guys to know that it has been a privilege………” I felt my throat cave in. I felt it tighten as my eyes filled with tears. “I’m going to let my other cadets talk first…” The other two cadets said their words of goodbye. The one who was having the harder time described it as the “worst feeling he had ever had…….hurts like hell.” I watched at the cadets listened to what these two guys had to say.

It was then my turn….(God give me the strength and the courage)

“Firstly, I want to let you guys know that it has been such a privilege to be a part of your class. I want to thank you for all putting up with my nonsense and for being there as brothers through this whole journey. Thank you so much for putting extra time into helping me and toughening me up. If I had one bit of advice for you, it would be to see you guys not bicker. I understand that each and everyone of you is very different. It tore me apart to see you guys bickering and pulling your team apart by arguing with one another. Please try to understand that you are all different and that you  need to work with one another and around those differences to help build one another up. I don’t want you guys to see this as a loss. This is just another step forward for me. I know that this will help me in the future and there is a plan to everything. I saw you guys as my friends at the beginning, but now I see you as my family. Remember throughout the academy I would tell you guys, ‘I love you’? Well every time I said that, I meant it. I really do love you guys. (Really began to choke up here) The hardest part about leaving this academy, is not the fact of missing out on what you guys will be doing, or what happens. I can come back. The academy will still be here for me. Its having to leave you guys. Its having to say goodbye to the people you have been spending every single day with for weeks and weeks. The people you have been going through all the hardships with. You have all become my brothers. I want all of you guys to know, that when I come back, and I look on the wall and see the picture of you guys, CLASS 75, I will be so proud of every single one of you! I don’t want you guys to leave here in silence. Today is not a sad day. It is a day to celebrate your passing of this part of the academy, the hardest part. I am so proud of you guys. I know everything you guys have been through in the last 8 weeks. I know how it feels and I’m so proud of you guys for staying strong and continuing. I brought you guys cookies to celebrate what you have conquered. I am so proud of all of you guys!”

By this point….there were sniffles, tears, and red faces among my fellow cadets. Seeing the faces of these amazing, strong, and tough guys was an awesome sight. I am so glad that I was able to move them and let them see how much they all really meant to me. The other two guys at the front with me went around to each cadet shook his hand and gave him a hug. They then fell back into formation. I did not go around because I felt that I would fall apart in tears. I stood my ground up at the front. My BC was wiping his face as he said, “Lets make this our very loudest we have ever been. We are losing some of our very best cadets today.”

He called, “Class 75, FALL OUT.”

And 47 of us in one strong voice for the last time, turned around, clapped twice and yelled, “CLASS 75″.

I was surprised by my brothers as they all came up and each gave me a big hug. In the arms of my brothers I was told, “I would work with you anyway.” “You have a great heart.” “I love you.” “Keep in touch.” “We will miss you.”

I had a chat with my two best brothers before I left. My first BC, Sozio and Gilmartin. These two boys believed in me the most. I respected them the most and felt that they truly believed in me. They gave the most time to help me and never stopped encouraging me. I will really miss them. I asked Sozio, “Are you disappointed in me?” and he replied, “Not at all, you did a great job and pushed through it all!” If there was anyone’s opinion that I listened to the most, it was these two boys. If I ever started to break down, these brothers of mine would help bring me right back up!

We then took a picture all together….my last picture with my 46 brothers.

As the guys slowly trailed out to their cars to leave, I would tell them, “I love you,” and they would say back, “I love you, too, Taylor.”

I shall always be a part of Class 75 and they shall always be a part of my family.

Thank you God for giving me a great last day. A day of respectful goodbyes to my family and the courage to complete it with my head held high.

I am Cadet Taylor and I will keep looking to Him for strength to move forward!

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