Busy Month After

9/22

The day after I said goodbye…I took a much needed trip to the beach with Foxy. I got her a new lil sun dress for the day. She loved it!

Its in interesting process trying to take this each day at a time.

The last 3 weeks have been an interesting process. I still have my drive, still have my motivation, still have my passion. I want this journey.

Every night now, Foxy sleeps cuddled up on my couch among a purple knit blanket and a large stuffed animal duck. She sleeps so quietly and still. She snuggles underneath the duck as if it were her mother. How I wish I could get that same kinda of sleep. The act of resting my whole body and mind for at least 8 hours a night……is lacking. I don’t like to stay up late every night. Watching the minutes….and then hours go by. Soon enough sleep comes…much later then I would like, but I am thankful for what I do get. Waking up at 4am has also been a reoccurring event. No alarm, just my thoughts racing and uncomfortable awakening.

My days are long….and yet short at the same time, as they linger on and on and on, my head heats with racing brain waves. Some thoughts and questions of doubt and many reassuring reminders of how I can be strong. I still have a hard time speaking about what has happened to people. I can at least admit now, “I am no longer in the academy.” But when the questions come of “Why not?” I have to direct them to my blog. I don’t like to talk about “my failure.” I know I am not A failure….but right now….I know that I failed out of the academy because of one of the ladder tests and yet….I still feel that extra weight on my back of knowing that if I go back I will have to go through it all again.

10/4

It has just barely been over a month since I said goodbye to all my brothers back at the academy. This month has been such a hard one in the sense of just getting through each day. I feel like I am ashamed of the last month and how its been so dragged out and long. Its been so hard trying to get through each day, trying to keep my head up and keep going. I have only worked out a total of 3 times this whole last month…at the gym. I have been eating super fatty food and truly not been treating myself like the valuable person that I am.

“So what do you do?” “So do you work? Are you in school?”

Those questions I cringe to every time I hear them now. I have just found it easier to say now…” I don’t want to talk about that…” and yet they still need to ask more questions. Then I dwell in thoughts of…I’m not in school, I’m not working. I am not doing anything with my life right now. I’m not working out. I’m not being constructive with my time. I’m in a true depression because of the loss that I feel.

Still each day I think of the academy and what the guys are doing. Still each day I get at least one person asking me how the academy is going..and yet I still can’t answer them. I truly miss being at the academy so much and still tears go down my face when I think of it.

One aspect that I truly missed at the academy was the amount of respect that I felt from the guys. These guys knew no doubt about it that I was not a stereotypical female. I miss the mutual respect for each other….I long for the respect again!

This month has had quite the lack of being a busy one, but I hope and desire for October to be a new and fresh start for me. Not only changing how I use my time, but also what I am doing with my life.

I could use a lot of prayer as the days continue. Prayer for strength, desire to do good, and the friends to help me stay strong through it all.

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